Breakups, Breakups—Oh, the Pain of Breakups

Breakups can be one of the hardest experiences in life. It’s not just two people going separate ways—it’s the end of shared memories, hopes, and dreams. The emotional turmoil that follows often marks the beginning of a new chapter—one where you’re forced to rediscover who you are. But take heart: you’re not alone in this. Understanding that your feelings are valid is an essential step toward healing.

I'm Not Crying—It's Just the Onions!

Suddenly, every corner of your home reminds you of them.
“We used to drink coffee here… We listened to that song together… We painted this wall…”
Even that wall has a story now!

The emotions after a breakup often resemble a grieving process. Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone experiences these stages differently—some skip around, some dwell in one for longer. There’s no right way, and that’s okay. What matters is letting yourself move through them.

In one article, psychologist Dr. Guy Winch suggests that post-breakup pain should be treated like a physical wound—one that deserves care, rest, and attention. The brain's reward system is directly affected by the loss of a partner. When someone is gone, the brain keeps asking, “Where’s my reward?”
This is why emotional pain after a breakup can feel so overwhelming. You might even find yourself reaching for chips, ice cream, or any form of emotional first aid.

Enter the “Rediscover Yourself” Phase

At some point, you’ll probably say: “Time to focus on me!”
You sign up for the gym. You pick up new hobbies. Maybe you even get that bold haircut you’ve always wondered about.
But let’s be real—the first few days might just involve posting selfies on Instagram with captions like “New me. Who this?”

Still, this phase can be a real opportunity. Breakups force us to pause and ask: What do I actually want? What don’t I want? Who am I, outside of a relationship?
Psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone emphasizes that after a breakup, we need to write ourselves a new story—one that defines who we are, what we need, and where we’re headed.

Self-compassion is also essential here. Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows how being kind to ourselves during emotional pain is crucial. That means not beating yourself up. It means giving yourself grace. It means accepting your pain instead of pretending it’s not there.

“You Deserve Better, Babe!”: Social Support & Solitude

The moment you sit down with your best friends, the classic speech begins:
“You deserved so much better! Honestly, they were the worst.”
Let’s face it—they’re not entirely wrong.

While breakups can make us feel isolated, this is exactly when social support becomes critical. Family, friends, and even support groups can help ease the burden. Studies—including one from Harvard—have shown that strong social ties play a powerful role in emotional recovery.

That said, it’s also normal to crave solitude. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Use that quiet to listen to yourself, process your emotions, and recharge.

It’s Over—But You’re Not

With time, the pain softens. You begin to accept that the breakup happened and that it’s now part of your story. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting. It means acknowledging the past without letting it define your future.

The lessons learned through heartbreak can guide you toward more conscious relationships ahead.
Healing from a breakup isn’t just the end of something—it’s also the start of something new.

Yes, the breakup process can be messy and difficult—but it also offers a chance to grow, reflect, and reconnect with yourself. You gain clarity on what you want in your next relationship, and what your deal-breakers are.
Every emotion you experience now is shaping you for healthier, happier love in the future.
So honor your pain. Embrace your journey. And remember: every ending is also a beginning.

Sources

1. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying

2. Winch, G. (2013). How to Fix a Broken Heart

3. Firestone, L. (2016). Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice

4. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

5. Harvard University. (2017). The Role of Social Support in Recovery